jokes

[weasel]

Few jokes here, needless to say most are in questionable taste..........



Prince Phillip is said to be ashamed and dissapointed at his grandson's behaviour.............He can't believe he called the little paki bastard his "friend"

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Couple driving home and run over a badger, they get out and fnd it's still breathng but freezing cold. He says "put it between your legs to warm it up" she says "but it's all wet and it stinks" he says "well, hold the badgers ****ing nose then!"

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Women Eh!
Boob-jobs, nose-jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise........................and THEN they won't take it up the arse cos "it hurts!"

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After a whirlwond romance Garry Glitter has announced he is to wed his financee. When asked by the press why his new in-laws weren't going to be present at the ceremony he replied that his new wife didnt speak to her parents after an awful holiday in Portugal 18 months ago!

 

[tiefighterboy]

Love the Badger one. :lol:

 

[Josh]

Funny but offensive DONT READ if you are easily offended!!!

MAN TEST



1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.



2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer! Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched,

you're so queer.



3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.



4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.



5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.



6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.



7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.



8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher

 

[weasel]

:lol:

"you might as well be handing out free arse passes" :lol:

 

[Josh]

Has some funny as quotes in it I reckon!

"your dying to tune a meat whistle" LMAO

 

[burnsy]

That Prince Phillip one is class Weaz, laughted my Bollocks off

 

[Josh]

I dont think I posted this here already but its pretty funny!

Redneck gets owned!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qh2Jed20wLk

 

[Josh]

Taking the dog for a walk Alice Springs style LOL!

 

[weasel]

Classy!

 

[Josh]

I can always count on you to at least comment on the funny stuff I post weas!

Yes mate pure class indeed LOL!

Did you watch the redneck vid? that is classic IMO!

 

[weasel]

I killed the sound on my computer a few months ago and haven't got round to fixing it yet, so all those video links are kinda wasted on me!
I should really get off my fat ass and fix the computer.......

 

[weasel]

As a mark of respect Fosters have stopped selling beer across Australia.................well, you wouldn't want a warm beer would you!?

(Sorry Josh)

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Flowers for Valentines day = £30
Dinner and Cinema = £90
Hotel Room after = £150

The look on his face when you tell him your on your period..........****ing priceless!


(Obviously that last one works better if it's a woman telling it!)

 

[jabbawokkie]

7 dwarfs trapped down a mine ,rescue crew shout down if anyones still alive shout something .someone shouts back "chelsea are gonna win league "snow white says "well least dopeys still alive"

 

[jayjedi]

7 dwarfs trapped down a mine ,rescue crew shout down if anyones still alive shout something .someone shouts back "liverpool are gonna win league "snow white says "well least dopeys still alive

works on so many levels :lol:

 

[han duo]

what do you say to a woman with two balck eyes..............????




nothing youve told her twice.... :wink:


my wife just told me that one :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[weasel]

Heard that one before Han!

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I was feeling a bit depressed last night so I called lifeline, I got some call centre in Afghanistan. When I told them I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!

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*What does a West Belfast girl (ehhh Chav/scum-bag for you non Norn Irelund people) use for protectiong during sex?

A bus shelter.

*What do you call a 30 year old West Belfast girl?

Granny.

*What do you call a West Belfast girl in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

*What's the first question on a West Belfast quiz night?

What you looking at!?

*Two Westy's in a car with seatbelts on, who's driving!?

The Police!

*What's the most confusing day in West Belfast?

Father's day.

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Three men who were captured by savages were told their cock's would be removed in a manner appropriate to their job! The first man was a lumberjack, his would be chopped off. The second man was a Butcher, his would be sliced off. The third man started laughing. When his captors asked why he was laughing he replied "I work in a lolipop factory!"

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