jokes
- Thread starter jayjedi
- Start date
craignwo4life
Sith Lord
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2006
- Messages
- 3,180
Two women friends had gone for a girls night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
jabbawokkie
Grand Master
:lol: :lol: :lol:
craignwo4life
Sith Lord
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2006
- Messages
- 3,180
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.
He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.
He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
jabbawokkie
Grand Master
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Ron
Sith Lord
Thats a good joke. I can never remember any and am **** at telling them
jayjedi
Sith Lord
dr dave was sleeping with one of his patients and felt really guilty. no matter how he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. but every once in a while he would hear an inner voice saying " dave dont worry about it, your single, you aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you wont be the last. but his consience wouldn't let it go and kept telling him " dave stop....... your a ****ing vet "
jabbawokkie
Grand Master
wife says to hubby ,what do you like about me most ,my beautiful face or my great body .
hubby says your cracking sense of humour :lol:
hubby says your cracking sense of humour :lol:
jayjedi
Sith Lord
man and his new thai wife are having sex for the first time. sex is great for the man but his new wife wont stop touching his penis. after sex his new wife ends up stroking his manhood and looking at his cock. after 5 minutes the bloke ask why she loves his cock so much ? is it because of its length and girth or just its staying power? "oh no" replies the wife
"its not that i love yours so much, its just that i really miss mine " ........
"its not that i love yours so much, its just that i really miss mine " ........
jabbawokkie
Grand Master
wife asks hubby "why dont you take me any where expencive anymore "
"get your coat " he says
"why where you taking me" she asks
"petrol station" :lol:
"get your coat " he says
"why where you taking me" she asks
"petrol station" :lol:
jabbawokkie
Grand Master
wife says to hubby " you know a bull has 3000 shags a year "
hubby says "ask him if its with same cow"
hubby says "ask him if its with same cow"
jayjedi
Sith Lord
when gary glitter dies, he wants his body cremated to ash . then the ash put in an etch o sketch, so even after he is dead, kids can still play with him .
Darth Wensleydale
Sith Lord
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom anymore your dead and I'm St.Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Ok but I can only reincarnate you and so there's a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've **** the bed !!'
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom anymore your dead and I'm St.Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Ok but I can only reincarnate you and so there's a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've **** the bed !!'
Bollux
Grand Master
:lol: :lol: :lol:
jayjedi
Sith Lord
thats good 
whats the most common owl in the uk..... a teet !!!!!!!
say it out loud if you dont get it
whats the most common owl in the uk..... a teet !!!!!!!
say it out loud if you dont get it
Ron
Sith Lord
only the ones I read in the daily star each day
sometimes when u cry on one sees your tears....
when your worried no onesees your pain...
when your happy no one sees your smile...
but just try having a wank on the bus and see how much attention you get.
ps-can u pick me up from the police station in about half a hour??
when your worried no onesees your pain...
when your happy no one sees your smile...
but just try having a wank on the bus and see how much attention you get.
ps-can u pick me up from the police station in about half a hour??
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